Pt.2 Chemo

Pt.2 Chemo

CHEMOTHERAPY: RED DEVIL ENTERS THE CHAT

If you've read my "About Me" page, you know chemotherapy wasn't originally part of my treatment plan. But after positive lymph nodes were found during my double mastectomy, chemo became inevitable. Out of all the cancer treatments, this was the one I feared most.

Because cancer is sneaky, I had to receive some of the strongest chemotherapy drugs to hopefully kill even the tiniest microscopic traces of it in my body. I had to undergo 16 rounds, split into two parts due to the different chemo cocktails. The first four rounds were Doxorubicin and Adriamycin, better known as the Red Devil. It truly lives up to its name—not only is it bright red, but it’s the worst thing I have ever felt go through my body.

I'll never forget my first round. It left me with PTSD. Just thinking about that day, I can smell, hear, and taste everything as if I were sitting right there again. My body trembled uncontrollably with fear. Will’s face still haunts me—he tried so hard to stay strong, but I could feel his sadness at not being able to save me.

They started by giving me hydration and Benadryl to combat any allergic reactions to the chemo. But when the bright red syringes entered the room, I took a deep breath and knew this was it. Chemo was about to enter my body, and nothing would ever be the same. It’s hard to explain, but when that chemo hit my veins, it felt like ink dropping into water. I could hear the poison crackling in my ears and taste it in my mouth. The hatred my body felt toward the chemo was instant.

After that first day, I questioned whether I could continue for the next few months. I couldn't get out of bed for a week, and by the time I felt some relief, it was time for the next round. I lived in bed, watching my husband take care of our two boys and run our business. Not only did I feel physically sick, but I also felt guilty for what my family was going through.

I lost all my hair after the second round. The transition was hard—looking in the mirror and not recognizing yourself is a whole different battle. I looked sick and beaten down, and every day became a fight just to function.

After four rounds of the Red Devil, I did 12 rounds of Taxol. It was easier on my body, but it caused neuropathy in my hands and feet, which lasted for a long time after treatment.

Finally, the much-anticipated day arrived: my last chemo session! I expected to feel pure happiness, but surprisingly, I felt the opposite. It was like being in an abusive relationship I couldn’t let go of. I found myself depressed and wishing I could be back in that chemo chair. I thought I was going crazy for feeling ungrateful, but later I found out this feeling was more common than I realized.

It took a long time to feel okay again, both physically and emotionally. Even now, I’m still dealing with the side effects of chemotherapy.

Advice for Others

Not all experiences are the same. Please don’t be scared by my story—I believe in being honest, not sugar-coating things. Bodies handle chemotherapy differently. Don’t expect your experience to be the same as anyone else's. What I highly recommend is to use the resources offered at your treatment facility. If you're struggling mentally, ask for help. Surround yourself with people who offer love and support, and distance yourself from anyone who doesn’t.

For Supporters

Cancer can feel isolating, and though loved ones try to support, they may not truly understand what it’s like. Here are some suggestions:

  1. Sometimes, the best thing you can do is listen. Let your loved one vent, share their fears, or talk about everyday things. You don’t need the perfect response—just being there helps.
  2. It’s hard to know what to say when someone loses their hair. Avoid saying, “It’s just hair! It’ll grow back!” While true, this isn't helpful. It’s about more than hair—it’s a constant reminder of what they’re going through.
  3. Chemo leaves people exhausted. Offer to help with day-to-day tasks like cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, or picking up prescriptions. These small gestures go a long way.
  4. While it’s important to be positive, avoid saying things like, “You’ll be fine,” or “Stay positive!” This can invalidate their emotions. Instead, offer balanced support like, “I’m here for you, no matter what,” or “It’s okay to feel however you need to today.”
  5. Chemo can last for months, and the emotional and physical toll continues afterward. Stay present throughout their whole journey.
  6. Let your friend lead the way on how much support they need. Just knowing they aren’t alone is meaningful.

What to Bring to Chemo:

  1. A comfy blanket
  2. Wear a top that makes it easy to access your port
  3. Sleeping mask
  4. Neck pillow
  5. Earphones/earbuds
  6. Phone charger
  7. Snacks
  8. All-natural ginger gummies for nausea
  9. Comfy socks
  10. Book
  11. Water
  12. Journal

Gift Ideas

  1. Any of the items listed above
  2. Food delivery or gift cards for food services
  3. Hire someone to help clean their home for a day
  4. Your time—visit them when they’re ready for company
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